I've got to tell you friends, I'm struggling. I don't speak the words very often, but I deal with depression. Something about saying it bothers me, but it's just in my makeup. The cool thing is that my God is bigger than this dark cloud that sneaks up.
For me the weight begins to fall on my shoulders when things are good. I know this must sound contradictory, but for me it's doubt that creeps in. Right now life is pretty great. I have carefully considered and said 'Yes' to Him in so many things that my plate and my heart are full. 'Yes' to my family. 'Yes' to Hearts at Home. 'Yes' to Thirty-One. 'Yes' to being a room parent in Remy's class. 'Yes' to leading worship. 'Yes' to a missions trip to Africa. God has been gracious, and opportunity abounds at this point. But then it's in the quiet moments that the voice in my head speaks louder and says 'You can't do this'. 'You are not enough to handle all this.' 'You cannot manage your time to get this done.' And I start to believe it.
So what's a girl to do? As I was preparing for worship last week, I was practicing a song called 'As We Reach'. I think I've even mentioned it here before, but the words talk about reaching for the hem of His garment in faith for healing. I opened my Bible to the story in Mark 5 about the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years (12, can you imagine?!). She heard about Jesus and through the crowd went to him and believed that He could heal her, even if she could just touch the hem of his robe. Jesus felt the healing leave Him, called out and went to the woman. Because of her faith she was healed.
I found myself this week crying out to God, and this story spoke to me. I think because through the fog of voices, I was reaching out to Him, believing that He is the only source of healing. And at those times when I wonder why it's important to memorize scripture, I am reminded of days like these. I was rocking on my bed in the dark, crying, just begging that somehow the voices would stop. And I began to speak the truths that I know about God. I spoke of His character. I know that attributes of God and can say with confidence the way He feels about me. These words that try to weave doubt into my soul may at times sound to me like His voice, but I know the way He loves me. I know who He says I am. And I know the love He has for me. When those things don't match up, I can say without a doubt that this darkness isn't from Him. And my soul is comforted.
So that's where I'm beginning this week. I don't mean to start on such a low, but truly it's not. It's about the Hope that I have... knowing that He will remain unchanged as the One who loves me beyond my wildest dreams. And He loves you this way, sweet things!! I pray that you will walk in that Hope today!