So a bit of transparency for this Saturday... I hate feeling stupid. Or worse yet, looking stupid in front of other people. but occasionally it just comes up, and I must admit that while I don't like feeling uncomfortable, I do indeed like the feeling know that I have listened intently to what God has told me to do. Obedience has a cost.
So y'all know that just a few days ago I posted about feeling passionate about being someone in the Christian community who is learning self-control and gaining said control over the fitness & nutrition area of my life. I dove head first into Beachbody coaching and felt that this was a path that could help me help others in a number of ways. Well, last night, I was up late after drinking some coffee in the evening. Trace had already gone to bed, and I was up watching some Beachbody training videos and doing some planning. When I finally went up to bed, Halle started stirring. This is unusual for her, so I went into her room. Immediately when I would get in there, she was sound asleep. I prayed over her and went back to bed. Only seconds later she would call out again, "Mommy, hold you'. I would rush to her side to find her peaceful again. This repeated about 4 times. Finally I found my right mind to ask God what He wanted. I kind of felt like the boy Samuel in 1 Samuel Chapter 3 when God was calling him and he kept running in to Eli. And then I heard Him simply say 'No'. The voice seemed almost audible, and I looked back at Trace to see if he had heard it. He was still sound asleep.
I began to pray and suddenly felt this enormous wave of terror and panic wash over me. I felt like I was about to pass out or something. God's 'No' was one of those no's that I knew exactly where it was directed, like when I catch the littles doing something naughty and nothing more needs to be said. God was saying 'No' to Beachbody. Now, I don't feel like this path was a 'naughty' one =) just that God doesn't want me doing it right now. And as I acknowledged to Him that I would listen and hand it over, I felt a strange peace. And Halle did not wake up again- God knew that one of the few things to get me out of bed is my sweet girl.
I was up for a while longer praying and thinking about this whole thing. I still believe my motives were pure. I think that God wants me to help others find some peace in this area, and honestly I feel foolish for now having to go back and scratch the last week's work. I feel like an idiot for planning and even telling anyone about my new 'venture' because it makes me look a bit like a flake. But it's worth it. Peace is always worth it. And I love feeling that God talks to me and that He knows I will act on what He says. My whole desire is to be obedient.
With several girls from church this summer, I am leading a study called 'No Other Gods' by Kelly Minter. The study confronts modern day idols in our lives, or things that can function as idols and take the place of God. Kelly keeps having us write the two words 'Make Room.' in the margins. The thing with Beachbody hadn't become that (yet), but I think that it could have, had I given it that kind of leverage. And I don't want that! I distinctly get the feeling that the part that displeased God was the fact that He doesn't want me to make money from helping others in this way. So, the bottom line is this: I am still on the same mission. We deserve a God-given freedom from our poor self-images and food addiction! I will continue my other blog as a place of accountability, tips, and tools, just perhaps in a different capacity. I hope you'll forgive me for this craziness~ I feel so crazy and more than a little embarrassed about it all myself! Know, too, that I still wholeheartedly think that the products offered by Beachbody are fantastic, and I will recommend Turbo Jam til I die! =) You all are the best~ thanks for listening!