Am So Happy

Truly feeling it in my toes today. It's pretty deep. In giving myself permission to breathe, I think I'm feeling a bit more capable to do what God is calling me do to (though I don't claim to know exactly what that is!). A Bible Study I'm doing struck a chord this week: the author said "there is no greater risk than emptiness", and I really identified with this. I have a rooted, nagging longing to do something and a lot feel frustrated with the question of 'what?'. So I try to fill it. And typically it's filling it with good things just not necessarily things that God has called me to. There are so many good things.

But lately I've been trying to live more in the moment, letting God guide me in the daily and allowing him to be revealed through the small things as well as grandiose ones. I know especially as a stay-at-home mom, I feel like the 'dailies' just outnumber the grand~ How I love seeing God in my small stuff! This small stuff is my life, which makes it add up to a pretty big part. (Sorry if I'm talking in circles... are you hanging with me?)

I've just grown tired of trying so hard to see the BIG that I'm missing the miraculous right in front of me! So I'm taking my time again. Cruising through my days with my eyes wide open for miracles, and you know what?! I'm seeing so many! My sweet boy told me this weekend that he 'trusts God to help him not be afraid', and my curly girl knows the words to the B-I-B-L-E, complete with fist raised into the air and shouting 'Bible!' at the end.  Suddenly Halle can walk down the stairs holding the railing instead of scooting, and Remy can write his name. These are my miracles!- And I'll take every one!

And on a different, sweet yet so very sad note, Layla Grace, the little girl I talked about last week with Stage 4 neuroblastoma cancer, passed away yesterday morning. I am deeply saddened, but also rejoicing that she is cancer-free and has been healed in the arms of Jesus. She has forever changed me and the way I look at life, and I think I owe a big part of how I am seeing each day to her.

Layla

My heart is heavy today, and I can't think of a thing to blog about that is light. So I will bare it here and hope you bear with me. I have followed the journey for some time now of a beautiful little girl named Layla Grace. She is only about 10 months older than Halle, so in some ways I think I have identified with her family. Layla has cancer, stage 4 high risk neuroblastoma. And right now, today, she is fighting for her little life. Last week her mother wrote a blog post on Layla's website about regrets and what she would do differently if she knew. She wrote about moments in raising her 3 children when she relished nap time and would have the thought 'if I could just get some quiet time to work'... and now her house is all too quiet. Layla is fighting but is now mostly in her bed asleep, and her mom would kill to have her sweet baby under her feet, slowing down every day activities.

I have had a huge knot in my stomach for this family. For this mom. Just the other day I was working at the table trying to balance my checkbook online, and Remy came to me asking for his milk from the fridge. I told him 'just a minute' and he said 'I promise I'll leave you alone if you will just get my cup for me'. Ugh. My heart sank as I realized that I had given my sweet angel the impression that I didn't want him to bother me. What will I regret about these days? Today I hold my littles a bit tighter. My kisses linger a bit longer. And I pray for the battle that sweet Layla is fighting and doesn't seem to be winning by our worldly standards. But she will win. And I love that her parents know this. Whether the cancer miraculously leaves her body, or her little body is healed in the arms of Jesus, she will win.

This week I have been confronted with a strange sense of emptiness in my life. I have identified with the author of Ecclesiastes when he wrote of it all being 'meaningless', and the big questions of life have been plaguing me. I have been literally in constant prayer for Layla, and I've had a hard time doing anything, as it all seems so trivial. So I have played with my kids. I let Halle 'help' unload the dishwasher even though it took twice as long as normal. I have let laundry pile up and played one more game of Cootie with Remy. And I have cried.

Sorry this isn't my typical Friday Love post, but I just don't have it in me. I hope that you will join me in praying for Layla and so many other little ones who are fighting such an awful disease.